Can't Sleep

So this blogging thing is so new to me that I did not know how to make a new post for awhile. Which at this point does not really matter because no one is reading this anyway. It is the middle of the night and I am writting because I can not sleep. AC is not doing well and mom thinks it is time soon. Sad, scared, angry!! At 29 years of age this will be my first close up experience with death. For anyone who might stumble across this blog.... I am damn lucky, I know! But it seems as though the luck has run out. More so hers and not mine. But in a selfish way I am deeply saddened. She is not my mother, or my sister, or someone involved in my day to day actions, but she is someone invovled in my day to day thoughts and memories. She is a part of who I am, maybe less for me than other people, but none the less a part of me. Is she scared? Does she feel safe? Will she slip off quietly? Will it hurt? Will she be alone? God please don't let her be alone! How can that be it? How do we have family things without her? There will be a empty space in our family. Her passing will forever make us all feel a little bit short of whole when we are all together. Does she know how we will miss her? If I could have one wish today it would be for her to always be able to see us and know we are missing her. I long for her spirit to have the ability to be with us and still enjoy the days that we spend together. For her to see her son when he is happy and when he is sad. To have the ability to wrap her love around him when he is lonely for her. I hope she has the ability to see james grow into a little boy, and then into a man, and I long for her to enjoy in the relationship he and ricky will develope, and to know that it is all because of her. I long for her to not leave us but that being completely impossible I long for her to have complete peace within herself. And I long for us all to be reminded that time is undefined and to waste no moment.